Both of us would like our night-time cuddles to go further, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen
I’m a woman of 59 and my husband is 63. Sadly, our sex life doesn’t exist any more. And it’s not down to me.
We are very high on hugs and cuddles, which I really love.
Over our 41 years together we have obviously had a sex life.
It was amazing before we got married. When we tied the knot, we used to go off to France for a long weekend on an impulse and spend the evenings making love.
But then there was a hitch. He took on the responsibility of birth control and it usually turned out he hadn’t bought any condoms.
So that was that and, gradually, the space between us in bed grew very wide.
This bed scenario was the same when we were in our mid-30s and had two beautiful children.
We had great days out with them and then at night the feeling of loneliness used to descend on me.
I remember I used to question how, having so much in life, I felt so alone. I know I counted the months without any physical contact between us.
It makes me so sad when I think back and I wonder how we let it happen.
Both of us would like our night-time cuddles to go further, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. I’m aware I don’t want to say anything that might hurt my husband.
What do you think?
I can really feel your sadness at growing apart sexually, but it’s obvious that you love and respect each other very much and have a wonderful relationship in every other way.
If it’s not down to a physical problem and purely that the periods of time you’ve gone without sex have become longer and longer, then I think you can get it back – if you both want to.
You’ve taken the step to write to me, so the next step is either showing him the letter or starting a conversation.
And you don’t have to say anything to upset him.
Maybe he’s thinking the same thing, but assumes that you’re not bothered about sex.
I know it’s a difficult subject to bring up out of the blue, particularly if it’s been a long time since you’ve been intimate.
It sounds to me as if the subject of sex has become the elephant in the room.
But the way you could approach is by saying you feel sad you don’t make love any more and have that closeness, and ask him how he feels about it.
Also, you don’t have to feel pressured into going straight for penetrative sex.
Your cuddling could lead to foreplay, and you can build things up gradually. Good luck.