7 Instagram Commandments Every Happy Couple Should Follow
Social media is a minefield for coupledom. Either it’s been a whopping 45 minutes since she posted and you STILL haven’t ‘liked’ it or you’ve commented too much on that (female) “good friend’s” ‘grams, and boom. Suddenly you forgetting to take out the trash morphs into WWIII.
Justin Bieber experienced the fury first-hand this week and followed through with his threat to delete his Instagram. And while the Bieb stares into space and thinks about what a big mistake he’s made, we might as well tell you what happened. The reason for Justin’s exodus from the popular social media site is that, whilst he can just about handle hate from his own fans about his new girlfriend Sofia Richie, he simply cannot take it from his old girlfriend Selena Gomez.
What started out as a little titter soon exploded into a barrage of accusations. I mean damn, that escalated real quick. Things were said, the blame game intensified, the adulterous fire was stoked with what felt like paraffin, and so Justin did it. He deleted his Insta and dropped out of 7th place in the most followed Instagram celebrity stakes.
We here at AskMen don’t want you to do the same. We don’t want you to do something you regret, to be stuck with a million pictures of your dog and nowhere to put them. Can you imagine the hassle of deleting your Instagram in the middle of a lovers tiff, and then having to go back and re-find those dozens and dozens of followers you once had? No. We’re not having it. So here’s our Instagram commandments that all couples should abide by, starting with: when you are angry, step away from your iPhone.
Thou shall like each other’s pictures
Hey. You can’t just look at a picture and appreciate it. Who do you think you are? Beyonce? Honestly you are just so selfish sometimes. How do you expect her to KNOW you like her photos if you don’t physically like them? Honestly, how is anyone going to know you two love each other if you haven’t liked each other’s photos? You need to be supportive on this. Even if it’s a picture of her on the sofa. Even if it’s of her freshly painted nails. Even if it’s just a stupid yoghurt and you saw her eat it this morning and you saw how many pictures she took of it and who cares, right, it’s just fucking Activia – even then, you need to like it, okay? You just do. This is what being supportive is in 2016. You don’t have to go to weddings or parties with the in-laws or actually turn up to anything anymore, you just have to like the damn picture. Just like the fucking picture okay? Christ.
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Thou shall not post photos of the two of you if only one of you looks good
Let me ask you something: are you a monster? Just answer the question: are you some kind of monster? Then riddle me this – why do you look alright in that pic you put up earlier, but you haven’t even chosen a filter that compliments your girl’s skin tone? It may have started as a photo sharing site, but what Insta is really about is mutual respect. The wrong filter can make or break friendships. Choose a bad angle and you can kiss your photo-taking privileges goodbye (which, actually, might be part of your strategy…).
If you want to have a relationship built on trust, start from the Instagram up. An Insta sesh with your S.O requires the necessary skills: the ability to recognise the best filter, the correct amount of shadow placement and getting the vignette on point. And you both need to seek approval before uploading. Maybe make a handy form that needs to be signed each time one of you wants to upload a photo. Too far? Nah, not when it comes to your reputations as the best lookin’ couple crushing the ‘gram.
Thou shall know the right angle for selfies
If you know what’s good for you, you will not take that selfie from a low angle.
Thou shall recognise that ‘Instagram husband’ is a form of slavery
All you want to do is take a nice walk in the local woodland, maybe get a Boris bike and stop for lunch at a pub. But – and here’s the thing – how will anyone know that you did all this cool stuff if there’s no pictures to document it? You know the age-old saying: pics or it didn’t happen!
Well don’t you worry, because your girl has got it covered. There’s going to be loads of beautiful pictures of your walk all over Insta. Oh, no, no – you’re not in them, you’re taking them. Millions of them. Of her on the walk. Of her on the Boris bike. Of her eating your lunch, from a million different angles. (Thought there was only one way to photograph a soufflé? You absolute fool!)
If you happen to see some graffiti on the way, that’s an impromptu photo op. A cat on a wall? That’s another one. If the wind is just right, that’s a few dozen guaranteed. And if you don’t get the right pic the first time, you’re going to take it again and again until it’s perfect.
A couple of Naomi Campbell-style strops may ensue, but don’t worry, she’s never going to throw her phone at you – it’s got all the pictures on it! No, your punishment is never-ending images. The CIA should really consider using this as a torture device – get a girl with a cute new top and an iPhone into that interrogation room, and 2000 photographs later the suspect would be ready to tell all.
Thou shall never, under any circumstances, use a hashtag that’s just for the two of you
Think about it: who’s going to be looking for a hashtag that reads ‘#danandsophieeatingdoritos’? No one’s going to be searching for that! But more to the point, nobody needs to know how insufferable you both are. And if you really need to get your love out into the world, you need to use a hashtag that people are going to know. Yeah, some things are supposed to stay private between the two of you, but hashtags is not one of them.
Thou shall keep fitness model/Victoria’s Secret/aspiring actress account follows to a minimum
We know, she’s got some really good workout drills – especially the squats, great squat sequences. That you’d never have found on a dude’s fitness account because dudes just don’t do leg days, right? Oh, what’s that? They do? Oh, well, erm, she also does these HIIT routines that you like, and you know, do sometimes.
Your girl sees through it, man. Just make sure you can claim you’re following said fitness model for the sake of actual fitness. If you start following Jen Selter or other IG fitness females better known for parts of their bodies than their workouts – and all the Victoria’s Secret angels happen to be in your feed, too – things will start to get weird.
Thou shall never show activity on Instagram while not responding to a text/call first
Potentially the biggest pitfall on our list, this tells her that you’ve subconsciously prioritised her second on your list. After mindless scrolling. Not. A. Good. Move. Even worse if it’s not HER photos you’re liking/commenting on while she’s waiting for your reply. This is the enemy front line, man. The no-go zone. Don’t do it, or prepare for social media to kick your butt to the single curb.