A lot of times when I orgasm, I imagine that I’m the man and all that comes with orgasming like a man (ejaculating). I have more intense orgasms when this happens. I’m a straight woman, though. Is this normal?
When we talk about sex, the word that frustrates me the most might be “normal.” I’ve written about this before, and I’ll keep saying it, over and over: There’s no “normal” sexual behavior or fantasy. There’s no “normal” sexual relationship. Nobody’s sexual identity is so simple as that. Certainly, nobody’s fantasies are as simple as that. Luckily, people aren’t that boring.
When we use the word “normal,” it’s usually in the context of shame. Historically, legally and otherwise, the word “normal” has been used to hammer just about everyone, from LGBT people to people who want to have sex out of wedlock or just masturbate. Of course, when we use the word ourselves to ask if our behavior is normal, I think we’re often asking: Is what I like OK? So I’ll tell you: Yes, it is OK to fantasize that you’re a guy. As long as you’re not hurting anyone (without their permission), do what you want. Fantasize about what you want. Be you. Or, in your fantasies, be someone else. Life is tough enough, sex should be easy. Enjoy yourself.
Play and fantasy and imagination play parts in all of our sex lives. In your case, I’ve got to say, who hasn’t thought about what the opposite sex is feeling and been turned on? Plenty of people fantasize about what it would be like to be someone else: a partner, a person on the street, a man, a woman, a furry animal, a cyborg…
You know what you’re feeling. You know what turns you on. Don’t get hung up on whether it’s “normal” or not. You can slap any label on that you want, but it works for you, and that’s what really matters.
I don’t know where to start. First, I’m 28 with three boys ages 9, 6, and 4. And I’m tired of being alone. I love my boys and yes, I know I’m not actually alone with them, but as a woman, I feel completely alone. Every person I meet or even talk to is only interested in having sex. It seems like as soon as I drop the “I have three boys” thing, they go running. I have talked to just about every type of guy, and they do not want anything other than a quick “session.” Logically I know it’s a lot to take on once a man hears that, but it still hurts. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I dated someone for three years, let him finally meet my boys, and he left because someone “in my situation” was just too much to handle. That devastated me and my boys. It also gave me a huge complex about dating. I’ve tried the Tinder thing and it’s literally just people looking for a hookup. I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m not perfect by any means but I think I’m a good woman. But I can’t seem to find anyone to even look at me for more than just sex after I say, “Well, I have three kids.” Even when I find someone who likes me, I’m not really available at the drop of the hat. It takes planning to go out because I only have one place to take my boys too and I don’t let them around men I’m dating at first. I just don’t know what to do and what is so wrong with me.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
We all know it, but it’s worth repeating: It’s not easy for anyone to find a meaningful relationship. Everyone kisses some frogs, and some total jackasses too. It’s hard to find the right match and, yes, it’s harder when you’re also asking them to join your family of four. There’s no way around it: A lot of guys — and women too — are just not looking for a relationship with someone who has three kids. It is going to be tougher for you out there. But that’s not because you’re doing anything wrong.
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I know what I’m about to say sounds cheesy but it’s true: For the right guy, those three boys won’t be a deterrent; they’ll be a blessing. (There are plenty of single fathers out there too.) You’re certainly not the only woman — mother or not — who feels like guys only want casual sex. You’re just going to have to look a little harder and be a little more patient. There may not be a million guys in your town who want the same thing, but you don’t need a million guys. When you’re looking for a real partner, you don’t need 10 guys to like you; you just need one right guy to love you.
As you mention, “the Tinder thing” can just make this seem worse, but, honestly, that’s probably the worst app for you anyway. If you want to meet men who value family and kids, you need more than photos to explain that. A service like Match.com or eHarmony or OkCupid would be much better, where you can explain a bit more about you, your kids, and the kind of relationship you want. Regardless, be bold and take the lead: Flirt with the guys you think might turn you on, be open about your kids, and don’t let long odds get you down. There are guys out there who want to fall in love — and who want a family too.
One last thing: Online dating is obviously the kind of space where people filter out prospects based on deal breakers that might not matter in person — whether that’s age, height, kids, or favorite album. A guy might click “no kids” on his preference when he might actually hit it off with you in person, but don’t let that encourage you to lie online. Instead, remember to keep an open mind in the real world. Remember that you’re the most yourself in person, and that your friends and family, the people who know you best, may also know someone who will get you and appreciate you. There’s nothing wrong with blind dates and introductions, especially when they’re set up by people who really get why you’re so amazing.
My husband is in jail and he has been in there for a year. I feel like I’m starting to not love him anymore. One of my past lovers has started to talk to me again and it is starting to get serious, to the point where we are planning on him traveling 12 hours to see me. I don’t want to tell my husband I’ve fallen for someone else while he’s in jail, because he said I was the only reason he was holding himself together in there. What should I do?
Whether your husband’s an inmate or a free man, I’ll give you the same advice: Don’t cheat. Live your life honestly. Deal with one man at a time.
As far as I see it, you have three options: You can either avoid seeing your ex, have an affair and deal with the messy consequences, or end your marriage and then move forward. I’d suggest the last option, since it sounds like you’ve fallen for this guy and the just about the only thing holding your marriage together is guilt.
If you avoid seeing your ex, you’ll never find out where it might lead — and it sounds like you are very curious. If you strike up an affair with your ex, then you’ll end up lying to your husband, and creating a messy drama that won’t just hurt your marriage; it will make it hard to separate the mess of the affair from your feelings for your husband — and your feelings for this other man. The stress of cheating could end up damaging your relationship with both of them.
Plenty of people start up affairs before a divorce — knowing what they want but feeling like they’ve got to do something major to break the bond. But you don’t have to do that. It sounds like you know what you want. If, on some level, you know that you want a divorce, start there. Respect your marriage to this man by ending things honestly. Then move forward and do whatever you want with your life.
No divorce is easy. But if you don’t cheat, it will radically simplify your split with your husband, save you loads of guilt and remorse, and make it easier to take the next steps in your life with a clearer mind and conscience.
As for your husband, he’s clearly got to take responsibility for his own crime. I know he says you’re the only reason he’s holding it together, but you weren’t his accomplice and you don’t have to do his time. It’s not your fault that he’s in jail and it’s just not fair for him to make you feel responsible for his well-being. Like the rest of us, he’s got to look after himself.