‘The Walking Dead’ – And Ten Other Halloween-Themed Positions You Need To Try
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This article is intended for entertainment purposes only; its content should not be taken as practical advice. It’s possible some of these are impractical, dangerous, and perhaps more importantly, may leave you or your partner huddled in a corner, with the warm tears of sexual frustration on your cheeks. Happy Halloween!
The time has come to breathe new life into Halloween — to replace the confectionary-fueled fun you enjoyed as a kid with the pheromone-laced action you want as an adult. After all, you probably won’t be spending All Hallows’ Eve donning masks and egging cars outside the house, so shouldn’t you at least be releasing your inner demons inside the bedroom? This is something that is easily done with the help from some evil Halloween sex positions. So, while we’ll happily leave the Kama Sutra to hippies, yoga nerds and people who treat scented candles as a lifestyle, those of us more partial to dancing with devils in the pale moonlight will be generating shrieks and moans this year courtesy of the following Halloween sex positions.
1. The Trough
Inspired by: The Walking Dead
Listen, there’s a lot from The Walking Dead you don’t want to involve in your sex life. I mean, if you’ve seen the show [minor spoilers ahead] you’ll probably never look at barns the same way, and frankly I’m not sure you’ll want to make your next family vacation a camping trip either.
On the other hand, nothing says sexy like the “trough” scene from season five’s premiere “No Sanctuary,” right? Start by having your partner kneel, and then gently but firmly tie her hands behind her back, and her ankles (use something more comfortable than zap-ties, though) just like all the real characters from the show did! Now at this point you’re probably saying, “Holy Hell AskMen! You’re not about to suggest we then [somewhat less minor spoiler ahead] attempt to brutally murder our partner, are you?”
Well, good news! We’re not. Instead, what we suggest instead is sitting on a chair (extra points if your chair is actually a trough) in front of her and then have her give you hands-free oral sex, just like the characters on the show didn’t! Just make sure she’s not a “biter” though.
“I’m getting pretty turned on right now.”
2. The Ghost Rider
Inspired by: Ghost Rider
In general, we have a firm policy at AskMen of not allowing Nicolas Cage to even be peripherally related to our sex lives, but we’re going to compromise our principles this one time. Before you start writing us letters about this one, we want to make it clear that we’re not suggesting you set your partner’s head on fire while she’s faced the other way in doggy style — that would fall under a “Mike Tyson Sex Positions.” No, the Ghost Rider is much more humane, though slightly tougher on the eyes. The way it works is that when the female is riding the male, the man puts a white sheet over her head — all while resisting the overwhelming urge to cue up the Ghostbusters theme on his stereo.
The sex will be so good, your head might explode.
3. Grave Robber
Inspired by: Cemetery Man
The key to this Halloween sex position is finding a successful mix between the sexual thrill of robbery and the somewhat unappealing odor of putrid human innards. The way it works is that you wait for your girlfriend to fall asleep, then you ransack your laundry hamper and surround her with dirty, dank clothes to mimic the atmosphere of a grave. Once you’ve buried your corpse — er, partner — you give her the unexpected thrill of luring her back into consciousness with oral sex.
4. Tail in the Crypt
Inspired by: Tales from the Crypt
Let’s face it: The first thing that comes to mind when you project sexual deviancy on a high-pitched decomposing corpse is Michael Jackson; but don’t worry, our carnal take on the famous Tales from the Crypt TV series is much more legal. In this Halloween sex position, you and your partner make your way under your bed (the “crypt”) and engage in anal sex (the “tail”) — we leave it up to you (the “crypt keeper”) to decided whether or not you’d like to annoyingly stimulate your partner with scratches to her back. This is one only works if you have a sincere appreciation for early 90s horror cinema, though.
5. The Scarecrow
Inspired by: Scarecrows
A little bondage never (seriously) hurt anyone, and this sex position is no different. One partner is strapped to a cross-brace and must act as if they have no skeletal system; the other partner gets to enjoy the benefits of having someone strapped to a cross-brace in front of them. That involves groping, teasing, prodding, and just about anything else you want, just as soon as you get those cumbersome overalls unhooked. Best of all, when you are done, there’s all that straw to help clean up.
My favorite thing about October is stuffing my ex-boyfriend’s clothes with hay to make a homemade scarecrow / sex doll.
— Julia Hays (@JuliaEveHays) October 2, 2013
See? We’re not the only ones.