We’ve all heard, ahem, stories of people going out under stay-at-home orders to get laid, but I’m here to explain just why that’s such a terrible idea.
Everywhere around the world, people are dying from coronavirus and for weeks, news of our soon-to-be overwhelmed hospital systems have been hanging over our heads. The message is clear: it’s not about you — it’s about everyone else.
That’s right, everyone else, like the immunocompromised or elderly people you could infect even if asymptomatic yourself (if you’re lucky), the exhausted nurses and doctors who will have to treat anyone you infect, the people you might unknowingly come into contact with en route to your booty call. For those in areas with stay-at-home orders, the only people who are out and about right now are essential workers, which means you run the risk of infecting those keeping infrastructure open so you can order your grocery delivery after you get back from your date’s house.
Look, I get it. Sex drive is a human need. But…can I interest you in a little thing we like to call…masturbating? What better time to get in touch with your own bod than by safely doing so in your own home?
The thing about this virus is that you have to understand the domino effect just one person can have on so many others. Even if you try your best, there are ways you could unknowingly transmit it to others, and the worst part is that right now, the other people out and about are likely those who do not have the option of social distancing. Think of the people who have to go outside right now, and stay in for them.
So please, stay at home. Masturbate or have phone sex! We all have things we miss about the world pre-coronavirus, but it’s up to all of us to be disciplined and follow the rules right now. People are saying goodbye to their family members via walkie-talkie because they can’t be in the same room. You can last a few months without sex. The longer it takes for people to understand the importance of staying at home, the longer we’ll be stuck like this, and the more people will die.
If you broke social distancing rules to hook up with someone outside of your home, please stop. Don’t do it again. And if you’re feeling extra guilty, maybe consider putting your money where your mouth is, and donating to a cause like A Million Masks or Direct Relief or Meals on Wheels or Unicef to somewhat even the karmic balance out a little.