You develop a love-hate relationship with your libido.
Some people have all the luck. They have normal kinks and they have normal love lives. Mine? Well, I have two fetishes that basically guarantee that I will not have a normal relationship. Specifically, I have a cuckqueaning fetish and a paraphilia called hybristophilia.
Between the two of these fetishes, my love life is 100 percent f*cked.
To fully understand what keeps me from having a healthy relationship, you need to understand what each of these two fetishes involves. When you read these two explanations, keep in mind that I cannot change what I’m attracted to, nor can I change what I fantasize about. This inevitably leads to a lot of problems.
Cuckqueaning is more commonly known as “reverse cuckolding,”and is basically a situation where a woman gets turned on by having a man cheat on her. So, right off the bat, I get insanely turned on by dating guys who cheat on me, and yes, I experience serious emotional pain as a result.
Hybristophilia is a fetish that is all about being sexually attracted to people who commit horrible crimes, or show an incredibly high level of cruelty. This fetish has led me to dating an abnormally high number of sociopaths, some of which are currently in jail for very serious crimes.
In my case, I’m turned on by men who are extremely violent. If you’ve ever wondered what kind of person would be turned on by true crime documentaries, I’d be a good example.
Basically, my fetishes cause me to fall for guys along the lines of John Wayne Gacy or Richard Ramirez. I get turned on by being cheated on, and I get turned on by being with guys known for extreme levels of cruelty to those around them.
It sounds okay, as long as you keep it in the realm of fantasy, right? This would be fine, if it were not for the fact that my fantasies have real-life consequences.
As much as I fantasize about being cheated on or dating someone who would end up being charged with serious crimes, I do NOT want that in my reality. That kind of reality would wreck my emotional wellbeing. And yet, I end up gravitating towards it — consciously or subconsciously — as a result of my fetish.
Over the years, you’d expect me to figure out a way to mitigate my fetish and somehow “roleplay” it into the role of fantasy. But it’s not that simple. The thing most people don’t realize about life-ruining kinks is that it’s a constant battle against yourself.
Yes, I want to be cheated on. No, I don’t want to be cheated on. Yes, I fantasize about sleeping with a terrifying gang member. No, I do not want to end up in a body bag. It’s fantasy versus reality.
The fantasies are as hot as can be for me, but the reality is terrifying and can potentially be the cause of death for not only me, but my loved ones. Knowing that takes a lot of fun out of sex.
I know that there are plenty of healthy, well-adjusted people who would be totally okay with roleplaying my fantasies. They would be great partners; we would probably be happy together.
The thing is, there’s always people out there who would be totally willing to make my fantasies a reality — and that’s tempting in a way that’s really hard to describe.
The end result of all this is pretty bad. I just can’t get attracted to “normal” people. Most typical guys will not even register on my radar unless they’re displaying signs of aggression or look like they could be led out of a place in cuffs. For me, dating a guy without that evil streak would lead to a very lukewarm relationship in most cases.
On the other hand, if I do choose to indulge my fetishes, I end up with a cheater who breaks my heart and possibly tries to murder me. Because, you know, people who are known for extreme cruelty probably won’t have as many qualms about killing a romantic partner as most. This is what most people would call a lose-lose situation, wouldn’t you think?
Temptation isn’t always easy to avoid. When you feel that tug toward dangerous people the way that I do, it’s damned near impossible to find a way to “logic” yourself into dating the “nice, safe guy.” In fact, you really just can’t.
Imagine subsisting on Slimfast shakes rather than actual food for the rest of your life, and you’ll have an idea of what it feels like to try to get with “the safe guy” rather than the guy who might put a knife to my throat at any moment.
If it sounds dangerous, that’s because it is. There’s a very high chance of STD transmission in cases of infidelity, and when you’re dealing with people known for beating people to a bloody pulp, there’s always a chance you’ll be the next one they hit. I know this, because it’s already happened to me. (To this date, I’ve had exes break my bones, punch me in the face, and even threaten to kill me.)
Once again, I really do NOT want this in my life. I am terrified of violence, and no, in reality, I don’t want this. I’ve learned to avoid dating guys like that because it’s horrible.
But I fantasize about it. I fetishize it. I cannot help who and what I’m attracted to. The people I’m attracted to have a violent streak and this is an outcome of that fetishization.
I’ve come to accept that the fetishes I have are just not going to bode well for my love life. Chances are, I’ll probably end up having my life ruined by them — love life, or otherwise.
Though it’s bleak for me, I can at least say that I’m trying to keep it under control. I have been dating a decent person as of late, and it’s been an incredibly healthy relationship.
However, that threat always looms — as does that sickening pull of danger — and that’s why I fear none of my relationships worth a damn will last.