Dear Coleen: We don’t have a sex life now we have a baby

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Dear Coleen

My is just over three months old and my husband and I still haven’t had . In fact, we haven’t made love since I found out I was – it’s been a year now and I don’t know what to do about it.

We used to cuddle when I was expecting, but we don’t even do that any more. And every time I try to talk to him about how I’m , he just says, “It will happen after a bit of time”. I’m confused and don’t think he’s telling me everything. Can you please advise me on the best way to approach this?

Coleen says

I agree, he’s being vague. However, your problem is actually more common than you think. Everyone assumes it will be the woman who will take a while to get back to sex after going through childbirth, but I’ve met and received letters from lots of men who find it difficult.

I think some men suddenly see their partners in a different light – as a mum and not a being.

One man told me he took a long time to enjoy sex again because he couldn’t get the image of childbirth out of his head!

Another guy said he became frightened of hurting the baby when his girlfriend was pregnant.

It sounds like things changed for your hubby right from finding out you were having a baby. But maybe he’s just scared to be honest in case he upsets you. There’s also the sleepless nights and adjustment to parenthood to take into account, so it may just take a bit of time to get back to normal.

As soon as you can, start going out as a couple again. It’s OK to admit how you’re feeling – there’s no need to be confrontational, but tell him you miss sex and the lack of it is making you feel and a little insecure. You have to listen to each other.

Some of it might not be what you want to hear, but it’s important if you want to get over this blip.

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, and problems

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