Dear Coleen: Should I stay with older lover or go back to my ex?

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I keep thinking about the future. When I’m 35 and he’s 50, will we have so much in common?

Dear Coleen: Should I stay with older lover or go back to my ex?Dear Coleen

I’m a 26-year-old woman and was in a serious with someone for three years. We lived together and he was perfect in lots of ways. We had a great social life and got along really well.

However, I ended it because I felt he’d stopped making any effort and we were more like mates than lovers – even though was good, the just wasn’t there.

I started to get close to another man, who’s 15 years older, and there’s so much chemistry between us. The sex is the best I’ve ever had and we have lots of shared interests too.

However, I do worry about the age gap and my keep warning me that the passion will go eventually and then we might not seem so perfect for each other after all.

To complicate things, my ex got back in touch, desperate to give things another go and promising to make more of an effort. I’m in love with my older , but I keep thinking about the future. When I’m 35 and he’s 50, will we have so much in common?

Is it right if I have these nagging doubts? Should I try again with my ex who’s only a year older than me?

Coleen says

I’m not sure it’s sensible to go back to your ex just because he’s the same age as you. You need all the other stuff too – passion, chemistry, love, respect and so on. And if you’re in love with this other guy, why would you leave him to go back to a relationship that wasn’t working?

Yes, there’s an age gap, but you could have a very happy and life together. Any relationship is a risk – none of us knows what the future holds. If you’re happy and you love him, then that’s a good foundation for a future together.

You don’t say whether you’ve discussed the age gap with him and talked about scenarios – for example, if you want children in the next few years, will he feel too old to be a dad?

Or what about if you want to focus on your career but he’s keen to marry and have babies sooner rather than later? Make sure you both want the same things at the outset.

Your friends are right in that all are very exciting at first, but the key is being able to sustain that relationship once the passion levels out. And if after three years your ex already felt more like a friend than a lover, then you’d be setting up for many years with someone you’re not compatible with.

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems

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