Dear Coleen: My husband had an affair – and now he blames me for his behaviour

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Dear Coleen

My said I was insane if I questioned if he was having an affair. Then when I found them together he said it was my fault, as I had too many dogs.

He said he loved her and even said bad things about me to her.

We have five children together. I know I have faults but I don’t deserve this.

To be accused of madness and being pathetic is more than I can bear.

I fought for two years to get him to admit the affair while undergoing cancer treatment, yet somehow I’m still to blame.

Oh, and he says he finds me disgusting. Have you any advice?

Coleen says

I was in a similar when my first marriage was ending in terms of being told I was insane for suspecting an affair.

It was actually the greatest relief for me when it was confirmed – I was literally cheering because I knew I wasn’t mad or paranoid.

Having said all of that, my ex never said cruel things to me like your husband has to you. He never said it was my fault or blamed anything on me.

Those things your husband has said are unforgiveable. I don’t care whether you have five kids or 10, he doesn’t deserve you in his life. My advice would be to show him the door.

It won’t stop him being a father to his kids but he doesn’t have to be your husband. You have to set an example for your kids – the way he’s treating you simply isn’t acceptable and they need to know that.

I promise you this, blaming you and saying you are sexually disgusting is simply his way of trying to feel less guilty about with someone else.

Don’t get sad – get angry and take comfort in the fact there is absolutely nothing wrong with you – he’s the only one at fault . Use your anger to you focus on rebuilding your life without him.

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, and problems

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