Dear Coleen: My daughter caught her fiance cheating – what shall I do?


Dear Coleen

My daughter caught her fiance with another woman, yet she still meets him once a week.

She says she won’t marry him, but still needs him in her life. They never lived together, and she still lives at home with us.

I always felt something was holding her back. The two of them have been together for many years and got engaged a year ago. Another girl warned her about him but, as usual, he lied his way out of that.

We sat and watched her waste her early 20s on this jerk and I’ve told her many times she deserves better. He would always keep her waiting hours before arriving to pick her up, then tell lies as to what kept him. I spoke to him once and said if he wasn’t interested in settling down with her then there were plenty who would be, and he should let her go and not string her along. He wrapped his arms around her and smugly said he loved her.

I always hoped he would show his true colours and now he has, but she is reluctant to walk away completely.

It’s been a couple of months now and she doesn’t mention his name, just heads off once a week for lunch with him. I fear he is filling her head with more lies. I’m hoping the contact will peter out and he will get fed up with the weekly meeting.

Should I continue to keep quiet and just be there for her or what? She says it’s too hard to cut off all contact with him, but I’m scared he’ll brainwash her into getting back with him.

Coleen says

What a frustrating situation for you. Her ex is clearly a good-for-nothing player but, when you’re in love (or think you are), it’s very hard to see the wood from the trees.

Look, you can’t force her to see things how you do or force her to cut him out of her life.

But, what you can do, is tell her honestly how you see the situation, express your fears, remind her how much you love her and reassure her that you are always on hand for advice or a shoulder to cry on.

What I’m hoping here is that it’s a case of your daughter lacking the confidence to make a complete break right away. But the less she sees of him and the more time she has to think about how he’s treated her, the angrier she’ll get and hopefully she’ll find the motivation to make that break. You can help to buoy her up and give her confidence, too.

I think what you do have a right to do, is insist that he’s not welcome now – or ever – at your home.

If her ex is true to form, I’m sure he’s not the type to be bothered with the hassle of navigating a tricky relationship with a girlfriend’s parents, so he’ll eventually give up and move on.

* More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here