Dear Coleen: I’m in love with a workmate but he’s being so cruel

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Dear Coleen

I have a dilemma that’s been going on for the past eight months. I’m completely in with one of my colleagues and I can’t seem to let go of him.

When we first met, I was seeing someone and wasn’t interested in him. He has a -term girlfriend and a young and I was aware that he fancied me but didn’t want to make anything of it.

He started messaging me on Facebook and eventually texting me, then going out of his way to do things for me. After a while, I started to have feelings for him.

There was a time that we would spend hours on the phone and text each other constantly. Over the past few months, things have changed.

He’s stopped texting as much, he doesn’t phone and he doesn’t pick up the phone when I call. He makes it obvious he doesn’t want to see me or speak to me much either.

But then he’ll act like he has feelings for me still. He’ll coax me up to his office and spend ages hugging me. If I don’t speak to him for a few days, he contacts me and says he doesn’t like it and goes out of his way to suck up to me.

I find myself going out of my way at work to help him out and do favours for him. This is ruining my happiness at work. He and his colleague constantly argue and put me in the middle of it.

My job means the world to me – I work hard and enjoy it. I’ve been given a huge amount of responsibility and don’t want to mess it up. I’m terrified that it’s either going to all come out, from him or from his colleague, or that I’m going to end up so awful about this whole saga that I’ll end up leaving. I’m beginning to think I’ll never get over him if I have to see him and speak to him daily.

I can’t bear the feeling that he doesn’t want me any more.

Please help – this is beginning to take over my life.

Coleen says

You need to get a grip! You love your job and you’re doing well so make that your priority. He’s used you and he’s still manipulating you. He’s behaving like this when he has a partner and a young baby – what does that say about him? And why do you think he’d behave any differently if he were with you?

He’s loving the fact he can click his fingers and you’ll turn up in his office and cuddle him. He gets a kick out of the fact you’re in love with him and he has that power over you.

You need to say to him: “I realise you’ve been playing me from the start. From now on, you do your job and I’ll do mine. We can be polite to each other at work but that’s as far as it goes.”

You shouldn’t have to walk away from your job over this. And, if it comes out, it won’t be great for either of you but he’ll look worse. Don’t allow him to manipulate you any more. You’re obviously a successful businesswoman so act like it and be businesslike.

There are plenty of nice men out there – you don’t have to run after one who works with you and has a partner and child at home. You made a mistake, learn from it and move on.

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your , family, health and problems

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