Dear Coleen: Do I admit to cuddle with work colleague who fancies me to my hubby?


Dear Coleen

I’ve only been married for a year, but I’ve been having an emotional affair and I’m struggling about whether to come clean.

My husband cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and has lied to me a few times about visiting strip clubs.

I said I didn’t mind him going, but on his stag do, he got numerous private dances and lied about it. I only found out through friends later on.

I have struggled to trust my husband due to the cheating and lying, and I think I’ve put up a barrier.

Other than this, we have a great relationship. We don’t argue, we laugh together, spend lots of time with each other and work as a team when it comes to parenting.

I went back to work recently after having our daughter and one man in particular paid me lots of attention.

I later found out he has feelings for me. He’s getting married and I’ve told him several times that nothing can happen as we’re both with other people.

I do have feelings for him, but I’m not willing to ruin two relationships.

He hasn’t taken ‘no’ easily, and recently I let him come round as he was so upset that he left work.

I told my husband he was coming round and he was fine about it, but we did end up cuddling. Nothing else happened, as I wouldn’t let it.

Since then, I’ve booked some time off work and blocked his number. I don’t want to cheat like my husband did because I know how it feels.

Should I tell my partner this happened? He knows this man has feelings for me, but not that I felt something, too, or about the cuddling.

I’m so annoyed that I’ve got myself into this position.

Coleen says

You’ve done the right thing. There’s no point jumping into another mess before you deal with things at home.

I think what you need to do is explain to your husband that when he lies about going to strip clubs and you find out, naturally you think there must be more to it because he felt he had to lie.

You’ve already told him you don’t mind him going to them as long as he’s honest about it.

All these lies chip away at the trust you’ve rebuilt since he cheated at the start of your relationship, so he needs to start being honest.

And I would be clear about the fact that the way he’s making you feel makes you more receptive to attention from other guys, like your colleague.

Give him a little warning that if he doesn’t start playing fair, then there are other men who would be interested.

I think you also have to ask yourself if you’ve really got over the pain of him cheating, and that maybe you need to address that, too.

But I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.

All that’s gone on is that your colleague has made you aware that something could happen, and those feelings have made you question things.

As for this other man, he shouldn’t be getting married if he feels this way, and I hope he realises that.

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems


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