Dear Anne: My husband has been sneaking off when I'm asleep but is he spinning a web of dating lies?

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Dear Anne

My husband has been sneaking off to his study in the early hours, when he thinks I’m asleep, and going on the internet.

Last night I spied on him, and I found he’s been surfing dating websites!

He says it’s just for fun but I’m not exactly amused.

Do you think I should worry?

Anne says

Not necessarily but I think he owes you more of an explanation, and he needs to examine his own actions and think of their consequences.

How would he feel if he found you doing the same?

I think most of us would find it alarming and hurtful, not harmless fun.

Of course, you are going to imagine the worst scenarios, that he is following it through and actually meeting other women in person.

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But he might indeed just be looking out of curiosity or testing the market to see who’s attracted to him.

Some men (and women) want an online romance that never goes any further than flirting by email.

They tell themselves they would never willingly threaten their marriage – but of course their actions often achieve that anyway because of the very sort of crisis it’s causing you.

He could, of course, be looking for some sort of thrill that he isn’t getting from his marriage.

Perhaps it’s just a nocturnal turn-on, like some men would get looking through an adult magazine.

All of this totally depends on how often he has been sneaking off and going online in this manner. If it’s just once or twice, then you must be careful not to overreact, but you should still talk about it.

If it has become a habit, then it’s more important to accept that you now have a possible potential problem in your marriage and it should be dealt with urgently.

Nip it in the bud, before it gets more dangerous – go and find couples therapy and do it as soon as possible.

Do you have a question for me? Email [email protected]

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