Orgasms. For most people, that word puts a smile on their face and conjures up images of um, whatever you picture when you orgasm, I guess. For others, not so much. Which is fine. It’s not easy for everyone to orgasm. It might not happen every time. It might happen in very specific circumstances or positions, or with one partner but not another.
Assuming your partner is bringing his (or her) A-game, they have nothing to feel bad about (just make sure they’re not rolling over and giving up if you don’t come after 30 seconds of finger-banging). But that still doesn’t stop them from feeling guilty, or embarrassed, or even experiencing something surprisingly similar to the 5 stages of grief. Except, you know, for orgasms.
1. “Oh, we can still make this work.” Initially, he’ll just keep pushing any thoughts of this mission being a failure out of his mind. This might be the longest he’s ever gone down on you or maybe he’s jackhammering so hard he’s dehydrated, but he’s refusing to give up. Some might call it courage, but those people are foolish. The wise know it’s just ignorance.
2. “It hasn’t been that long.” Your partner will refuse to come to terms with the idea that you’re not going to orgasm. They see it as their failure. They’ll commonly give a shocked glance at the clock, or shake off a bad cramp. They don’t realize that, unfortunately, you’ve already accepted that it just isn’t going to happen tonight. “No, it’s fine,” you’ll say as you shush him, all while trying to contort himself into some tantric sex pretzel in pursuit of climax.
3. “What’s wrong with me?” At this point, he’s having an inner struggle. Something is wrong, and it could very well be his “mad sex skillz.” His mind literally cannot allow that to happen. He’s going to channel that frustration into his performance. Look for him to start giving you eye of the tiger looks and focusing harder, as though he can will you to come with mind power and thrusting combined. Or maybe he’ll push it all out of his mind and assume you’re enjoying things so much you’re delaying the orgasm to prolong the pleasure… for 4 hours. He is mistaken.
4. “I am so, so tired.” That thought isn’t whining so much as it is a quiet prayer for sleep, carried on the wind.
5. “Can’t we try this position?” You haven’t tried everything yet, so he doesn’t want to give up. He wants to leave it all out there on the bed before he jerks himself off onto your stomach and you retreat to the bathroom with your vibrator, or whatever it is that y’all are into. He has the heart of a warrior.
6. “Did I do something wrong?” Hopefully he just skips this phase because it’s whiny and it’s going to make you feel bad when you shouldn’t. But he’s going to be in shock. He needs to know what happened. He might take the blame for it. He might just want to watch TV.
7. “Is it OK if I finish?” Hey, at least he’s asking. If he tried his hardest, the answer should really be yes.
8.“Do you just want to cuddle for a few minutes?” This is his way of giving up without admitting it’s over. You’ll embrace, and he’ll fall asleep, and dream of failure and regret while you try and finish yourself off with your fingers without waking him.
9. “I’m…I’m sorry.” There’s not much more to say, except…
10.”We can try again next time.” He knows that there is a brighter future tomorrow and that this is not the end of the world. You are both going to be OK.