Oh, man… missionary. It’s just…what can I say? It’s bad. Here’s why.
1. There’s not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.
2. You’re right up in each other’s faces. This certainly can be one to throw into the ‘pros’ column, but it’s really dependent on what you just ate. Missionary after you ate a bagel with garlic and onion cream cheese, or when you have a runny nose, is not the best idea.
3. He’s doing all the work. This is not the sex position for the lazy man. Typically, missionary sex means the guy is going to wind up doing all the thrusting. Maybe he just woke up and you’re looking for some lazy morning sex. So is he. And for him, this is the opposite of laziness.
4. It’s basic. Missionary feels lame because everyone treats it as the default sex position. It’s simple and uncomplicated. It’s learning to play “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder. It’s how your parents have sex. It’s how your grandparents have sex.
5. It’s not ideal if he’s husky. He’s slowly crushing you and pressing you into the mattress, breathing heavily and sweating all over you. Alright, that might not be what’s actually happening, but if he’s self-conscious, it might be what he thinks is happening. He could be his own worst enemy here. Or, also, that could actually be happening.
6. What is he supposed to do with his arms? There’s no ideal spot for his arms during missionary. Sure he can put them under you or at your sides but it just feels awkward. And standard push-up position makes this feel a lot more like Military than Missionary, am I right? Sorry.
7. It probably isn’t his favorite sex position. This would be a bold claim if it weren’t for the fact that missionary isn’t anyone’s favorite sex position.
8. He always has to be doing something with his head and face. The best positions are the ones where you can just go to town without a care in the world. With missionary, he has to be kissing or burying his face in your neck or… something. He can’t just sit there and stare at you during sex. Only serial killers do that.
9. You can wind up bursting his eardrums. Speaking of having his face in your neck, if you’re loud, you could be screaming right into his ear while you climax. On the one hand, at least he knows you’re enjoying yourself. On the other, he has tinnitus now.
10. You’re literally fucking lying on top of each other. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the effort? You’re sitting there thinking, “OK, we want to mash our genitals together, how do we accomplish that and not much else? Oh, lie on top of me.” Reach for the stars, people.